Is it better to be an only child or a sibling

Willow at 7 months old

I have only one child, as you may know, my beautiful little Willow, she is about to turn three next month and the older she gets the more I find myself thinking about the possibility of having other children. I would say that I am 80-90% sure that Willow will be my only child and not just because she was a little surprise and a miracle that I never thought I would have in the first place but because I found those first 9 months or so incredibly difficult. The pregnancy itself was pretty straightforward except that I suffered from Symphysis pubis dysfunction (SPD) which by the time I was 7 or 8 months along meant I could not walk for more than about 10 minutes without being in pretty horrible pain from it. I didn't at the time go to any physiotherapy so it may have been made better if I had been more proactive about that a bit earlier on. Then once she was born it was such a shock to the system, at first, it felt like I was alone looking after this little being and it would never end. Of course, I had my partner there but as is often the case when you breastfeed all she wanted was me 24 hours a day. I don't know if it is just me but I am not the biggest fan of the baby phase, I like toddlers and children so much more. Granted they are harder work the older they get but at least your day is filled with laughter and toys and screaming and just life. When they are babies they are cute but don't give much back.

So for all you parents out there who, like me, worry about the impact on our little bundles of joy of being the one and only child I thought I would address some of the questions and fears that I personally have and maybe it will resonate with you a little too.

Willow about 3 hours old

Will an only child be lonely?

This is something that I think about a lot with Willow, I myself have four older siblings so didn't get much peace and quiet as a little child. Our house was full of noise and play but I worry that Willow's memories of our house will be quiet and dare I say it boring. I worry that she will feel alone because she won't have siblings to turn to for the things that she isn't comfortable coming to me or her dad for. But actually, when I think back on the times growing up that I needed this I remember turning to friends rather than siblings. Even further than this, I think that loneliness is something we will all feel at some point in our lives, and I don't believe that just having a blood tie with someone close to you will stop you from feeling this way. I remember feeling lonely many times when my brothers would play games I was too little to play or when they would make jokes I didn't understand yet. I also remember many times that I wished that I had more one on one time with each of my parents because there just wasn't enough of them to go around us all. What I am trying to say is that there are many ways and reasons for loneliness in children and I'm not sure they are linked solely to not having brothers or sisters, it's more about feeling appreciated, understood and loved that cure loneliness and those are all things we can get from parents and friends as well as siblings.

Will an only child be an introvert?

This is also something I have heard a lot in my life, people say only children are strange or introverted because they don't have enough socialisation and granted their very early socialisation tends to be more with adults rater than other children but I don't think this is a bad thing at all. I think that families, in general, are getting smaller and the idea of a family unit is changing so much with stepfamilies and blended families being very much the norm and the children within those units cope fine so why shouldn't an only child. There may not be as much chaos in their lives as families with many children but this could lead to, depending on how it's handled by the parents, one of two things. A child who lives by their parent's schedule is well socialised with children and adults and knows that there is no difference between them and the rest of the world. Or a child who dictates the schedule and is revered by their parents and therefore has much higher self-worth than the usual. When we really look at this if the parents instil the right behaviours into their child, being an only child or not shouldn't make much difference in social skills. Also, there is nothing wrong with being an introvert in the first place anyway.

Good points about being an only child

• Only children tend to have very strong relationships with their parents and never have to compete for their time.

• Money is less of an issue, a smaller house to pay for, only one university to fund, less clothing to buy each season. The list goes on.

• They have to work hard on friendships, because they don't have family ties they must learn to nurture relationships with others but this makes for people who are great friends later on.

• They can choose their families, siblings don't always get along but friends are chosen because they do.

Only children have to spend more time alone and so tend to get to know themselves better, we often think of relationships as being just with people we know but in reality, the biggest relationship we will all have in our lives is with ourselves. By allowing them to build this relationship and become happy in their own skin and on their own terms perhaps we are doing them the favour of making more independent stronger young people without the need for others to do this for them.

I suppose that there are good and bad points to everything in life and if being an only child ends up being one of Willow's bad points then I don't think I will have done my job properly as her mother. I guess only time will tell on this one.